how to be british part 1: food

Working in a pub, I get the privilege of seeing first hand what British people eat and generally how they act when they are out with friends or family. It's a real cultural experience. British pubs seem to be a very important part of many people's lives and this post outlines some observations I have made while witnessing them in their natural habitat. If you want to be British, please follow these eating and dining guidelines:

1. Sit at a dirty table. I know there are 17 clean ones around you, but sit at the dirty one, move all the plates and glasses to the end, and ask for it to be wiped. Or don't. Just place your sticky glass marks on top of all the others.

2. Buy your drinks in rounds. I know it's only 1:00 in the afternoon, but you are going to have more than one drink, so just buy the first round. Your friends will buy the next ones. Also, make sure those drinks are topped up. You paid for a pint, you should get a pint! No large heads on your lager... no sir.


3. If you're not having a meal, buy a packet of crisps (potato chips). Tear open the bag so it lies flat and share with your friends. But make sure they are steak flavored. Or salt and vinegar. Or opt for the ever aromatic pork scratchings. Great for dates!

4. When ordering food, make sure it is one of the following meals:

Fish and Chips. Duh. It's England. I've recently been informed that you're supposed to eat this on fridays. And that green stuff on the side? That's mushy peas.  They're like peas, but baby food style. Mmmm!

Gammon. Served with peas and chips and topped with eggs or pineapple. Most often eaten by men. No clue why.

Meat pie. Served with chips and peas and topped with gravy. I'm told that northern boys love gravy.

Lasagna*. Caution: this one doesn't come with chips, so you're going to have to order them on the side! (98% of people do)

Curry. It doesn't really matter what meat it is, it all tastes the same. And I'm starting to like it. Oh and chips will go with this as well.

* You may have noticed the salad on the side of the lasagna. Don't eat it. It's green and it's not peas.


5. Every Sunday roast something. A chicken, some beef, lamb, turkey... whatever you fancy. Just make sure you serve it with over-boiled vegetables (carrots, broccoli, brussel sprouts, green beans, and/or PEAS), roasted potatoes, yorkshire pudding, and cover it all with gravy. Roasted potatoes are a delicious addition to the meal because the good ones are really crispy. Many good English cooks have their own secret ways of making perfect roasties. Yorkshire puddings are not really puddings at all, they are more like a bowl-shaped, crispy-tender gravy-trapper. Most will agree that they're the best part of the meal!

6. Finally.. Dessert. Yum! You can order them on your own if you want to. English people love crumbles and steamed puddings (like sponge cake, sometimes covered in treacle), both smothered in warm custard. I'm still not exactly sure what custard is... it's kind of like American pudding but not as thick and it only really comes in one flavor (custard flavor). If those don't tickle your fancy, try a profiterole sundae or a trifle.

Photo credit: Martina

7. When finished with your meal, don't bother tipping the staff. As one of the regulars who is a painter told me, "No one tips me for doing my job, so why should I tip you for doing yours?!" Fair point. But I just cleaned up after you. And had to listen to you moan about the size of the head on your pint. And had to keep smiling at grumpy faces all day. And carry heavy plates while spilling gravy down my leg. And tips are fun.

There you have it, you are all set to come to a British pub and blend right in. Just don't open your mouth or they might mistake you for a Canadian. Or an Australian. Or tell you how much they like your accent ["thanks, I made it myself!"]. Or ask you what part of the states you are from and tell you about their trip to New York City or LA or how their daughter lives there now and how when you went to visit her you were shocked at how large the portion sizes were and you came back two stones (28lbs) heavier. You might get asked what the hell you are doing in Swindon and told how much they'd rather be in the US. Or if you're up north in some of the more isolated areas, you might encounter people who have never met an American before and will start following you around to listen to you talk. The only way to get rid of them [on advice from my English friend] is to say a rather common English explicative followed by two fingers. Or you might have a really nice conversation and get to talk a bit about yourself and make some new friends! That's what I usually do.


Cheers!